


Weekend At Olaf's

by BurningPlumBranches



Category: A Series of Unfortunate Events - Lemony Snicket
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Easter Eggs, maybe some death
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-21
Updated: 2020-08-15
Packaged: 2021-02-28 00:21:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,071
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22824790
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BurningPlumBranches/pseuds/BurningPlumBranches
Summary: In an Alternate Universe where Beatrice didn't shoot Olaf's dad with a poisonous dart (just a regular one, he was fine) but still made off with Esme's sugar bowl. One weekend the Baudelaire parents are called off to a Top Secret VFD mission and leave the kids with their distant cousin, Olaf, who IS still mad about the dart incident, has no chemistry with children, is still a horrid actor, and lives in a dump. Violet, Klaus and Sunny, who are not traumatized by the recent deaths of their parents, are free to torment their temporary guardian. Olaf cannot wait until Monday, when their parents are supposed to return.But they didn't return, and they didn't leave a way to contact them. Still on the right side of the VFD, Olaf has to help the kids find their parents. Shenanigans and an accidental marriage will test Olaf's sanity.((Am I a bad person for writing this?))
Comments: 12
Kudos: 28





	1. Less Than Good Beginnings

"You have the nerve to come to my home and ask me to "watch your children" for the weekend? After what you did Bea!?"

"Really, Olaf, I thought we gotten past this. It was lucky I mixes up the darts and shot your father with a _non_ -very fatal dart, and he was fine! Water under the bridge right?"

"What about if you _HAD_ shot him with a very fatal dart?"

"We can spend all day playing what if's. Bert and I must go to Brazil. It's just for a few days, we'll be back Monday."

"No."

"Please?"

"Ask Esme to do it."

"Well, she's still upset about the sugar bowl."

"Monty."

"We don't have time to take them to his place, the plane leave in less than two hours."

Olaf thought a moment. Bea standing there pleading with him, and the kids and Bert in the other room while they talked in privet. 

"I'm busy, Bea.... I'm a serious actor."

She gave him a doubtful look, "When was the last time you had a role in a play you didn't wright?" she asked

"Fine! I'll watch them! But if the little one bites me again, I'm calling animal control!" 

* * *

Moments after Bea and Bert left, Olaf was standing looking at the three children sitting on the love seat. The eldest was a girl named Violet, a rather serious looking girl of 15 with long brown hair. The dreaded middle child was a boy named Klaus who wore coke-bottle glasses and had a know-it-all air. The youngest was a toddler named Sunny, with a few sharp teeth Olaf already bore "greeting marks" from and a mischievous look in her eye that Olaf had to respect as being like himself. 

"You kids... want anything to drink?"

They were silent for a moment before Violet smiled and asked, "Yes, do you have any mineral water, please?"

"I have brown, tap water." Olaf said

"Um.... what else do you have?" Klaus asked

"Fireball."

"We'll pass, thank you." Violet said 

"Eeek-gag!" Sunny exclaimed

"So... Mom said you're an actor?" Klaus asked, trying to ease the tension 

"Yes."

"Are you rehearsing any plays right now?" Violet asked

"I'm currently writing one."

"Oh! Can we read it?" She asked again, looking genuinely interested

Count Olaf went up to his tower and got the manuscript for _The Marvelous Carriage_ , a sort of rom-com, period-sifi musical. He left it with the eldest two as the baby explored the parlor and chewed on the legs of tabled and chairs. Not like she could do much damage, Olaf's house was a dump. Actually they could do more harm to her. Olaf went and scooped her off the dusty floor before she contracted lock-jaw. "I think I have some apples....." he muttered and took Sunny into the kitchen to find her something safer to chew on. He could still hear Violet and Klaus whispering in the parlor. 

"This is... really bad."

"Klaus."

"It is."

"Be nice."

" _Why_?"

"He's a struggling actor, he's doing his best."

"He should try doing something else."

"It's what he enjoys."

"He can enjoy it, but he should find a day-job."

" _Klaus_."

Olaf carried Sunny, now biting happily into an apple, back into the parlor. 

"We like what you have so far, Count Olaf." Violet said with a smile, "I hope we can get the chance to see it in person."

Klaus muttered something under his breath and Violet elbowed him. 

"So um... I only have one spare room that has a bed." Olaf said, scratching the back of his head

"That's why Mom packed our sleeping bags." Klaus sighed, as if a great mystery had been solved

"It'll be like we're camping!" Violet supplied, apparently one to make the best of things while her brother was more pessimistic. 

"This is going to be a long weekend." Klaus moaned. 

"My thoughts, exactly..." Count Olaf sighed too

"BAK!" Sunny shrieked 


	2. Room for Improvement

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Violet tries to clean house and Klaus teases her.

"It's a lost cause, Violet." Klaus scoffed, "This place should've had a match set to it _years_ ago."

"Stop it, Klaus." Violet snapped, tying her hair back. Usually, she tied her hair up to focus, but she really would rather have it out of her way just now. She'd decided to clean Olaf's house, even if it was on her own, "Mom and dad have always taught us to be considerate of people who aren't as well off as we are. He's putting up with us for the weekend, and I'd rather stay in a clean house, and since there is nothing else to do, I may as well."

"We could go to the beach." Klaus offered

"You can take Sunny if you want. I'll stay here."

"And miss all the excitement?"

Violet rolled her eyes as well as her sleeves. Count Olaf had hidden himself away in his tower after the incident with the manuscript. Violet was worried they'd offended him and was determined to make amends. What better way than to clean up his house and then use some of the money their parents had given them to order some take-out. It was perfect. Violet set to work tiding up, scolding her brother that if he wasn't going to help he really should take Sunny and go to the beach. Klaus reluctantly began to pull his own weight and helped his sister scrub the grimy floor of years of caked on filth and dust. 

"This place should be condemned!" Klaus exclaimed after finding a dead rat in the kitchen

"Listen, Klaus, Count Olaf has had a hard time!" Violet explained, "No everyone has it as good as we do. Not everyone can afford maids."

"He's a count isn't he?"

"Even aristocrats can fall on hard times." Violet said, "Count Olaf's father passed away a few years ago and now he's all alone. The former Count Olaf was also the Chief of the Fire Department and died of health complications from years of breathing in smoke and debris. Olaf poured all his money and time into trying to keep his father in good health for as long as he could. I guess his house fell into this state while his father was sick."

"How do you even know all this?" Klaus asked "I guess you're right. I've read about depression, and suppose Count Olaf could be suffering from that. He does seem a little melancholy."

"Mom told us about it this morning before we came here." Violet said, knowing full well her brother had been spacing out.

They cleaned in silence for the next few hours until afternoon dipped into evening. 

"There!" Violet exclaimed triumphantly, "That's more livable, right Klaus, right Sunny?"

Klaus mumbled tiredly.

"HA-bur!" Sunny babbled, gnawing on a wooden spoon she'd found in the kitchen.

"What should we order to eat?" Violet asked

"I. Don't. CARE!" Klaus groaned, falling on the love seat in the parlor. 

"Sunny?"

"Kak!"

"Ok, I'll ask Count Olaf." 

Violet made for the tower, just as Count Olaf was coming down "What- what happened in here?" 

"We just thought we tidy up some." Violet explained

"Is Klaus alive still?" 

"He's just being dramatic." Violet said, "Anyway, I was coming to ask you if you had any ideas for take-out. Mom and Dad gave use some money for that."

"I don't want anything." Count Olaf said

"You have to eat something? We didn't even break for lunch, we're all hungry."

"I had fireball"

"Whisky isn't food." Violet said

Olaf Ignored her for taking another swing of his flask. Violet shook her head. Whisky wasn't a good coping mechanism, but it was also not her place to tell a grown man the same age as her parents how to live his life. 

"Should he be drinking around us?" Klaus smirked

"Mom and Dad have wine every night with dinner, Klaus." Violet reminded him. "Adults are allowed to drink."

"Cheers to that!" Olaf exclaimed and took another swing

"You should have food too, let's order a pizza." 

* * *

Violet ordered 3 large pizzas. One with everything on it, one plain cheese and one pepperoni. She also ordered sodas, since there wasn't any other options for drinks the Children could have. "Tomorrow we should go to the store and pick up a few things, like bottled water and milk." Violet said to Klaus. 

"Or we could just go home. We'll be ok on our own for a few days." Klaus suggested.

"We'll be ok here for a few days, Klaus. Mom and Dad trust Count Olaf to look after us."

"Kids, the pizza guy is here." Olaf called from the door

"Be right there!" Violet called, "Please, can you just be nice? I'm doing my best, Klaus."

* * *

The next day, Violet, Klaus and Sunny went to the store and got a few things, a case of bottle water and milk among them. When they returned they found Olaf had company over. "Kids, this is my troupe. Troupe, these are my distant relations, the Baudelaire's. We're going over the script."

"We'll stay out of your way." Violet said and they eased past them into the kitchen so they could put away the groceries. 

"What should we have for dinner? Pasta?" Violet suggested

"I don't like Italian food." Olaf said, appearing into the kitchen

"We just had pizza last night." Klaus pointed out.

Olaf considered, very confused, never having thought pizza was actually Italian food. It was American food, right? Like chop-suey wasn't really Chinese food either. Klaus was such a smart ass, he thought. He looked thought the bags, "How much food did you even get... geez, kids."

Violet shrugged, "We didn't know what you like."

"Pot-roast."

"Ah, we'll remember for next time." Violet said, "We did get ground beef, how about hamburgers? There should be enough for your troupe too."

"They're leaving soon." Olaf waived them off, "Hamburgers are fine. Don't burn down the kitchen."


	3. The Open Window

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mondays...

Count Olaf couldn't wait until Monday, when Bea would come get her goblins. Between Violet's overly responsible-ness, and Klaus' know-it-all-ness and broody-ness, Count Olaf was being driving insane. The baby was ok as long as she had something to bite on. "We all have our vices" he told her on Sunday evening as she gnawed on a wooden spoon and he took another swing of Crown Royal. Monday was normally a day dreaded by working adults, but of course Olaf didn't have a regular job. To everyone, he was a washed-out, talent-less actor. While this hurt sometimes, he really did enjoy theater, it was only a cover. There was more to him than the terrible plays. As he watched Violet invent a no-kill rat trap and listened to Klaus drone on and on about The History of Bourbon Distilleries in America he'd read once, Olaf recognized the fact Bea was grooming these kids to be Volunteers. He remembered he was about Violet's age when he joined, all bright eyed, and sore ankled. It seemed exciting, to be joining a secret organization, getting to do supper cool, secret spy stuff. It was at first, until his father almost died from his involvement.   


Monday morning dawned. The kids were even ready to go home, all their things were packed and setting by the door. It was then that Olaf felt a pang. What was this? What Olaf lonely? The kids tried making breakfast. None of them could really cook. They burnt the toast, just as they burnt nearly every meal they had cooked at his house. They burnt food they were trying to make for him, and Olaf realized no one had cooked a meal for him since his dad died. Olaf was too busy with his thoughts to notice morning shifting into noon. Violet spoke up, "Olaf, are you sure mom said she'd come pick us up? Maybe you were supposed to take us home?"   


Olaf snapped back into reality. He thought back. "No, she said she'd pick you up, but it's getting late."   


Maybe he could just take them to their house and drop them off if their parents were already home. Maybe wait their if they weren't. He'd never been inside the Baudelaire's mansion, and would bet his right hand that they had a full liquor bar, or a wine cabinet he could help himself to while they waited. So about 3pm, when there was still no sign of the Baudelaire parents, Olaf decided to try their house. "Grab your stuff kids, we'll take the street car."

"Don't you have a car?" Klaus asked. He'd seen one outside, an old model he didn't recognize.

"Yes, but it doesn't run." he said, and before Violet could say anything he added, "Yes Violet, I'm sure you could fix it, but let's go see if your parents are home." Soon they were on that very rickety street car that was really only good for pub-crawlers. Olaf worried his thumb nail as they rode down the streets. As they approached he heard sirings wailing and smelled smoke. He felt for his spy glass in his coat pocket, hoping that it wasn't what he thought it was. The blazing mansion came into view and Violet gave a sharp cry. All 4 of them were off the trolley before it had even stopped. 

Olaf quickly took Klaus' hand and Violet's free hand, as she was holding Sunny, abandoning their bags on the side walk. "Stay close to me." he said in a low voice, as he approached the firefighters who were standing to the side to keep the growing crowd back. 

"Olaf?" on called one fire fighter, "What are you doing here?"

Olaf scoffed, "Nice to see you too. Friends of mine live here."  


"Oh shit, they weren't inside were they?"

"Not sure, they were out of town, and I was watching their kids. Decided to come by when they didn't come pick them up this morning. When did the fire start?"

"Not even an hour ago, is my guess. It went up really fast. I don't see how it happened if no one was home all weekend."

Olaf and the firefighter both exchanged a knowing look. Olaf looked up at the burning mansion. He noticed all the windows that wern't smashed out were wide open, allowing plenty of air flow.   


"Do you think they were inside?" Klaus asked

"No." Olaf said, "I don't think they were home."   


Olaf highly suspected they didn't return from their trip.

* * *

They went to the beach. It seemed like an odd thing to do, after your house burned down, but Violet suggested it. They spread out the kid's sleeping bags as blankets to sit on. The beach was vacant on the overcast Monday afternoon, so Olaf decided here would be a good place to explain. 

"Kids... I need to explain some things to you."  
The Baudlaire's were gathered on the sleeping bags, and Olaf sat down with them. He had no clue where to start. He scooped up a hand full of sand and sifted it through his fingers.   


"So.... there are 2 kinds of people in this world. People who start fires and people who put them out. Your parents and ... we are part of an... organization of sorts, of people who put out fires."  


"Like a fire department?" Klaus offered, sarcastically  


Olaf smirked, "Of sorts, and it may had started out that way, but it grew. Fires in this case also means any catastrophe, or tension, global events, etc. of the man-made kind. The most recent of these events your parents helped put out the flames may have pained a target on their backs. It happened nearly 20 years ago, but they crossed some very dangerous people and now it seems they're getting around to their revenge."

Olaf observed the children. Klaus looked skeptical, Violet looked like she was thinking really hard and Sunny looked confused. 

"About 20 years ago, there was a schism in the organization. It split in half and now we are mostly fighting among ourselves. I'm not as active as I used to be, but your parents have never quelled their involvement. I'm sure they wanted you to join it. You, Violet, are old enough, but I think they were waiting until Klaus was older so you could both go together." Olaf rolled up his pant leg and rolled down his sock, revealing his tattoo, "This is our symbol. Every member has this tattoo. We also mark places with it. Safe houses, libraries, our houses, any place that has to do with the organization." Olaf pulled out his spy glass and handed it to the children, "We observe, we watch."

"So where are our parents?" Violet asked  


"I'm not sure." Olaf admitted, "Possibly still in Brazil."

Klaus looked bewildered and rolled his eyes, "You expect us to believe all this? Our parents, whom we've known our entire lives, are part of some secret organization?"

"Yes." Olaf nodded 

"So what good does a talent-less actor do for this big secret organization?" Klaus demanded. 

"Klaus!" Violet nudged her brother hard. 

"I'm a Coder." Olaf explained "I write codes and communicate messages to the rest of the organization. I can also de-code encrypted information from the other side."

"You write them into your plays." Violet said, "The other members know who you are, and they come see your plays to get the information they need."   
Olaf nodded. 

"Is that why they're so horrible?" Klaus asked

"No, I'm actually bad at writing plays." Olaf admitted, "They don't have to be good, the code just has to be well hidden. The other side knows who I am too. I hide 2 codes in my plays, one for our side, and a false one for their side. They think I'm on their side, I'm also double agent, but only Bea, your mother, knows that."

"One more thing, for now, then we can go home. If we ever get separated, go to nearest library and say "The World Is Quiet Here." it's our pass word, -or phrase, really."

"So, what now?" Klaus asked, "Are you going to help us find our parents?"

"Of course I am." Olaf said, pocketing his spy glass and hiding his tattoo again, "We need to get back." he said, standing up and helping the kids gather their things. "I think we should try to get my car fixed. Something tells me we'll be taking a little trip out of town soon."


	4. No Time to Mill Around

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Violet fixes Olaf's car and they go driving down a smelly road.

Olaf got the kids back to his house, and then they went to take a look at his car. Klaus began reading through the owner's guide, while Violet opened the hood and tried starting it to see what it was doing, or rather not doing. It was making a click click clicking sound, that told her the battery was likely dead. That could just be because it was sitting out for so long without being started. She looked at the battery and saw it was a little corroded.   


"Hand me that wire brush, and go find the spark plugs. Does that generator work?" Violet asked, trying up her hair.  
Olaf handed her the wire brush, "Yes."  


"Klaus make sure the generator has gas in it. We need to jump the car. While you do that, I'll check the fluids."  
It needed oil, but the engine seamed fine. There was plenty of coolant. She cleaned off the battery and then hooked it up to the gas-powered generator. Normally, you should never jump a car like this, but they were really in a pinch. The car started, and the engine groaned. The car was really old and made lots of concerning noises. Violet left it running to allow the battery to charge and looked back under the hood.   


"Olaf, get behind the wheel and give it some gas!" she shouted over the noise.  


Olaf did as she said and the car port filled with black smoke. "Keep going! Klaus, get Sunny out of here for a moment!"   


Klaus took sunny to the back yard while Olaf and Violet worked on the car. Eventually the black smoke stopped. Violet figured it would after the oil cycled for a moment. the engine sounded better for it too.   


"Let's go around the block." Violet said, "I want to see how it rides."

* * *

  
They made a full circle. When they got back, Klaus and Sunny were in the lawn talking to none other than Mr. Poe, the Baudelaire's banker. "Leave it running." Violet said as Olaf parked the car back in the port.  


"Hello, Mr. Poe." Violet said, "We're working on that car, we just went around the block to test drive it. This is Count Olaf, our parent's friend who's watching us while they are out of town."  


"I has some rather bad news Violet. Klaus already told me you 3 are already aware your house burned down this afternoon. Well, I'm sorry to say but your parents were inside."  


"No." Violet said "They were out of town. They were supposed to come pick us up this morning. They've been delayed is all."  


"Did they find them?" Olaf asked, "Was there proof they perished in the fire?"  


"The flames were intense enough to destroy any remains."  


Olaf was the son of a fire chief, and a Volunteer himself, and he knew there would be something. If not the charred remains, a pool of sticky black goo that would suggest bodily fluids. Even dental fillings could withstand the fire from a crematorium. Bea's diamond wedding ring would've made it out of an atomic bomb.   


There was no point in arguing with Mr. Poe. He was the sort to believe whatever he was told by authorities. The children were upset, but not crying. Violet was looking at him for answers he didn't have and Klaus was looking off in the distance.   


"Their parents will stated they were to live with their closest relative if anything were to happen to them. I suppose that it you."   


"I don't think that's what that means."  


"Well, there was also a woman named Esme Squal-"  


"I don't mind them staying with me." Olaf said quickly. Esme would likely kill these kids, push them down an empty elevator shaft or something, she was insane. Truthfully, the Baudelaire's were closer to Monty, while more distantly related to them than Olaf was, they were recruited about the same time and had assignments together often. He did want to talk to Monty, he was sure the snake-scientist, or whatever that was called, could help. 

"You car just needs a new battery." Violet said, "It wont work if we restart it again. I can't find any other major problems."  
Olaf nodded, "I think I can manage that."

* * *

  
In the midde of the night, Olaf and the children left his house. Their things were in the trunk of his car, and the children were in their sleeping bags in the back seat. Sunny was still sleeping, and th other two looked like they would doze back off any moment. He drove out of town and turned off his head lights. It would be a while before they reached Monty's. After an hour, he checked on the kids and all 3 were asleep now, but as they went down Lousy Lane, and the bitter smell of horseradish filled the car, they woke up,

"What on earth is that horrible smell?" Violet asked, covering her nose  


"Horseradish." Olaf explained, "We're driving through an apple orchard of cross-bread apples and horseradish."  


"Why?!" Klaus exclaimed  


"We're on the way to your Uncle Monty's"   


"You know that's not what I ment, Olaf. Why would anyone cross breed apples and horseradish?"  


"To make them into sugar-cubes." Olaf said, "Makes your tea a little bitter, but it's worth it."  


"Angduts!" Sunny added.  


"Yes, Sunny, adults do have strange tastes."

Olaf glanced at his glove box. He had all he needed with him. The spy glass in his pocket and the contents of the glove box. Monty would take care of it, he knew. It was getting too dangerous for him to hold onto it any longer, not with the kids with him also. There was a glow down the lane. "What the..." Olaf sped up and sure enough, Monty's house was on fire. There were no fire-trucks, because Monty lived in the middle of nowhere and no one knew his house was on fire. Olaf stopped the car, "Stay in here and keep the doors locked."

He rushed towards the house and went in through a broken window, and that's the last thing the kids saw until Olaf came out of the burning house dragging a man with him. Klaus made to go out and help, but Violet stopped him, "He said to stay here." So Violet put Sunny and herself in the front seat and unlocked the door for Olaf and Klaus helped from in the back to pull the man in."

"Klaus, do you know CPR, you incisive know-it-all?"

"Yeah." Klaus said, not sure to be offended by being called a "know-it-all", or impressed Olaf knew the word "incisive" and how to use it.

"Do it, we have to get out of here, he needs to get to a hospital." Olaf said, getting behind the wheel and gunning it in reverse, "He's going to be so pissed I didn't go back for his stupid snakes."

* * *

  
Olaf hated hospitals and their waiting rooms. He hated that sterile smell of disinfectant over that pungent small of sickness and that lingering smell of death. It reminded him of his father being sick. The nurses insisted on checking him out too, since he'd run into the fire himself. It was so late, it could be called early. The dim, florescent lights made his head hurt and he felt disoriented. He was likely just tired, from driving all night and rescuing a reptile nerd from a fire. He leaned back in the waiting room chair and dozed. Sunny was playing with toys that were there for small children to play with, Violet was watching her, and Klaus was reading magazines. 

Olaf was thinking. Monty had said something to him while he was dragging him from the burning house. "Q-Quagmires... you have to get... the Quag-"

"Are they in there!?"

"N-no... Purfrock!"

He really needed more information. From what he understood, Mr and Mrs. Quagmire had 3 children too. Triplets, if he remembered right. They traveled all over the place in their duties, leaving their children at home with a manny. Why were they at his Ala-mater? The school was a place the VFD liked to use for recruitment, but the Quagmire's, like the Baudelaires, were "Legacy", they hardly needed the prep school, unlike one child the organization had their eye on. She was in a difficult situation. Neglectful parents who hardly wanted her, they spoiled her to keep her quiet and out of the way. From what Olaf understood, she had a nasty temper and was all an around brat, but she could charm the devil himself and was good with animals. She'd be good at infiltration to say the least, and had the firm ability of persuasion. If the other side got to Carmelita Spats first, they'd be in big trouble. She was much safer at the school for now, but with all these fires so suddenly, Olaf only wondered how much longer the school, or even headquarters, would be safe. 

They needed to get to the school, but first, breakfast for the kids in the hospital cafeteria. 


	5. The Accidental Marriage

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ((This idea is totally not stolen from Arrested Development))  
> I wrote 3 chapters in a day. Don't expect this all the time.

Nothing, and nothing could've prepared Olaf for what happened at that hospital. Had he known, he would've let Monty burn in his house and kept driving. No. He would've just dumped Monty at the hospital and driven far far away. No amount a tequila could fix this. He felt disgusting. He felt like a pervert. He refused to look at any of the children as they drove away from the hospital; Klaus still yelling at him, Sunny shrieking and trying to attack him with her sharp teeth, and Violet holding her back and yelling at everyone to just calm down. Olaf was calm, on the outside anyway. Inside he was screaming. 

How did this happen?

There they were, in the Hospital Cafeteria, eating re-hydrated eggs, soy bacon, artificial orange juice, and toast, when a male nurse rushed in. Olaf and the kids were the only non-employees there. The nurse rushed towards them "Excuse me, I don't mean to bother you, but I think you can help. You see we like to put on mock-weddings here for the memory loss patients and we really need some people to play the bride and groom. Do you have any acting experience?"

Klaus groaned and Olaf's eyes lit up "Did you say 'acting'?"

* * *

Thinking back on it, Olaf wanted to kick himself, no, kill himself. Maybe he could just drop the kids off at that convince store with the rest of his money and his spy glass and drive the car and it's 'secret in the glove box' off a cliff? He stopped the car, "Stay here." he said and got out to throw an adult temper-tantrum. He screamed and kicked and then layed down in the dirt to curl up in a little ball. He layed there for some time before he heard someone get out of the car and come towards him. 

"Olaf, get in the car." Violet snapped at him

"No, I'm going to lay here and die."

" _Olaf_. Get. In. The. Car." she hissed through her teeth.

He lay there motionless. He was a horrible person. He'd always known this. He tried to be decent, but it was hard, just so hard. He wished his dad was here to tell him that it was ok to mess up, adults are allowed to make mistakes as long as they made it right in the end. How could he make this right? This was huge!

"Olaf, stop acting like a child and drive us home!" Violet said "You have a neighbor who is a _justice of the peace_ , she can help us sort this out, but we can't do that if you're out here wallowing in your own self pity!"

"Oh!" Olaf shouted, jumping up, "Did you spend the weekend meeting your new neighbors, Countess? Did you make them burnt casseroles and sit down for tea with them? Did you join her honor's book club?!"

Violet reared back and slapped him. "Getinthecar! **NOW**!"

Olaf blinked at her. She was pissed. "Ok." he said, and walked back to the car as if in a daze. No one said a word on the way back to town.

* * *

Olaf handed Justice Strauss the "marriage certificate" they'd thought was a fake, a prop, just for show. Apparently, a surgeon normally plays the part of "justice of the peace" for the mock-weddings, but the same male nurse that had asked Olaf and Violet to be in said mock-wedding, also had to find a replacement "judge". He'd found a real one, who'd misunderstood that this was supposed to be a mock-wedding, and married Olaf and Violet for real, possibly.

"So, you are her legal guardian?" Strauss asked

"Technically, yes." Olaf explained, "Mr. Poe was going to bring the papers for me to sign and make it official this morning."

Strauss sighed as she looked this over, "I can call Judge Peters and see what he has to say. If he didn't know this was supposed to be a mock-wedding, I bet we can easily get this annulled."

Olaf gave a sigh of relief, so did Klaus and Sunny, but not Violet. Olaf looked over at her and she was intently reading a book called "Inheritance Law and You."

"Wait...." she said, "We need money."

" _Violet_?" Klaus asked tentatively, as if he almost knew where his sister was going with this.

"What if we-"

"No," Klaus said

"Just listen to me, Klaus." Violet said, "It says here that if I get married, then my husband has access to my assets, and I his. I can't access them right now, underage and all, but if I am married, I'm seen as an adult."

"No. No. No." Olaf said, getting up and pacing the room, "Just no."

"We can annul it later, or divorce. Justice Strauss, is it too late to sign a prenuptial?"

"We are not doing this!" Count Olaf stated

"It has to be done before you are married, I'm afraid."

"Oh well." Violet said "We need funds to find our parents and this is the only way. Hopefully we can find them in the window of time we have to annul it."

"Yes if your parents are alive and they don't condone it, we can have it annulled fairly quickly."

"YOUR MOTHER IS GOING TO FLAY ME!" Olaf cried out

"I will take full responsibility." Violet said

"Klaus, talk sense into your sister." Olaf begged

"I.. agree with her?"

"Klaus, no..." Olaf whimpered. 

"Count, you are being overly dramatic." Justice simply stated.

Olaf curled up on Justice Strauss' sofa, "I just wanted to be an actor. I know I'm not very good at it, but I thought I could do a bad TV sit-com about young people in New York or something. I didn't ask for this.... any of this..."  



	6. Operation R.O.F.A (Rescue Orphans From Academy)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Violet isn't handling the situation as good as she says she is, Olaf is going to take care of all the kids, Mr. Poe really should do something about that cold.

"I know what we're doing this weekend, and it's going to be legan......  
.....dary!"   


The invisible audience laughed. Mrs. Quagmire rolled her eyes. For some reason Mr. Quagmire was over to the side doing magic tricks to the song "The Final Count Down". 

"Illusions, Olaf! Magic Illusions!" he insisted. More laughter. 

"Brother, stop that at once, or I shall tell Mother!" Jerome said sharply. 

"I didn't know you two were brothers..." Olaf muttered. Lemony was edging along the wall trying to "sing" the his own spy theme. More laughter. Olaf was sitting across from himself, or someone who looked an awful lot like him, and this other Olaf was wiggling his eye-brow as he mused "Now we can be the ultimate dad!"

"No! I'm not ready to be a father!"

* * *

Olaf woke with a start. He looked around and saw he was still at Strauss' home. Klaus was the only other person in the room and he was chuckling. "What's so funny, four-eyes?"

"You talk in your sleep."

Olaf grumbled and sat up, "Were's your sisters and the judge?"

"They went shopping for dinner."

Olaf needed a drink. He wondered where Justice kept her stash, surly she had one, she was a judge. As is reading his mind, Klaus said, "She locked her liquor cabinet."

"Shit." Olaf hissed

"Violet asked me to stay only so I could ask you something when you woke up."

Olaf merely grunted, holding his empty flask upside down. Dratted empty thing. 

"She wants to buy some furniture for your house. As well as some other much needed renovations." 

"I don't see why, we're leaving soon to go find your parents."

"Trips take planning and we don't want to sleep on the floor with mice." Klaus said very matter-of-factually. "Remember, your assess are hers now too. Your house is her house. Your car is her car. Those are about all, right?"

"My title. She's a countess now, too."

"Anyway, tomorrow you and her need to go to the bank and have everything settled with Mr. Poe. He wont be happy with this but what can he do, if Violet gives her consent to the marriage? For now, anyway." Klaus paused, a dark look spread across his face, "That brings me to something else I wanted to say to you. Since our father is missing, I'm the man of the family. If you hurt Violet, I will end your blood line."

"The fuck?"

"I mean it. I will kill you."

"I wasn't going to hurt her." Olaf said

"As long as you don't, I wont have to castrate you." 

"The fuck, kid?"

"We're back!" Justice called as the front door opened.

"Thank fuck." Olaf sighed. He decided to get up and see what was for dinner. Violet and Justice were in the kitchen, unpacking the brown sacks. He spotted a bottle of champagne. "Why?"

"Why not?" Violet asked, "It's our wedding dinner."

"Don't even joke about that."

"I'll do what I want." she said flatly

Olaf decided it was better to not even try to argue. He really felt horrible over all this, Violet was like, what, 14 right?

"Did Klaus talk to you?" she asked

"Yeah." Olaf said with a shrug, "I guess we will go to the bank in the morning and then you can go shopping and whatever."

Justice opened the bottle and handed Olaf a flute, that he instantly downed and held out to her for more. She didn't fill it as full the second time. 

"You don't want to come?" Violet asked "You can pick out some things too."

"No." he really didn't care what his house looked like, if it wasn't obvious.

"You'll have to leave and go somewhere. I called pest control while you were sleeping, they'll be coming by tomorrow to get rid of all the rodents and bugs."

"There's something else we have to do." Olaf said, "I should go alone. You should pick up like... 4 extra beds when you go shopping, and get 2 other rooms ready. I'm bringing back other kids, maybe." Olaf never would've guessed his house would turn Children's Home. 

"I don't trust you alone." Klaus spoke up, "I also don't want to spend my day shopping for furniture. I'm coming with you."

"Ooo, girl's day!" Justice added excitedly. 

So it was all settled. The next day, Olaf, Justice, Violet, Klaus and Sunny went to the bank. Mr. Poe greeted them in the lobby, "I came by your house yesterday morning and you weren't at home."

"We had a family emergency. My distant relation also suffered a house fire and needed to go to the hospital." Olaf explained as vaguely as possible, "He is badly burned but stable."

"That is good news." Mr. Poe smiled

"Mr. Poe, can we talk somewhere more privet, like your office?" Olaf asked

"Certainly!" 

"Mr. Poe," Justice said when they reached his office "I'm Judge Justice Strauss. I'm Count Olaf's neighbor and... maybe you should sit down."

Mr. Poe's professional smile faded as he read the room and realized this was something important. Olaf also sat down because he found his legs were shaking. 

"What's this all about, Count Olaf, Baudelaires.... Judge Strauss?"

"Well, there's been a development." Judge Strauss explained, "It seems when Olaf and the children were at the hospital with their relative, they participated in what they thought was a mock wedding and it seems that there was a misunderstanding and.. well... the marriage is legally binding. Count Olaf and Violet are married."

Poe chuckled, "Violet can't get married, she is a child!"

"Well, she can get married if her legal guardian allows it and..."

"This can't stand, you can annul it, your honor, so you must." Mr Poe said

"That's why they came to me, but Violet has decided she wants to stay married for convenience."

"What?" Mr. Poe asked, blinking

"Yes, I've decided to stay married." Violet, "Count Olaf's house needs renovation if me and my siblings are to live there, and I need access to our inheritance."

"Violet, you can't possibly-"

"Why not? Rich people marry for convenience all the time. It's not like Olaf and I plan on starting a family."

Olaf groaned. He really didn't want to even have that in his mind.

"I should hope not!" Mr. Poe stated, being as close to upset as the mild banker could ever be. It brought on a coughing fit. 

"So we came today to get everything in order. The account name needs to be called Olaf-Baudelaire now."

"Baudelaf!" Sunny shirked with a grin

"No." Olaf said, sternly. 

After a ton of paperwork, Olaf, his "wife", her siblings and their legal representative left the bank. Violet had no need to withdraw money. Rich people merely said "Charge it to my account" and it happened. Olaf was never that rich, and withdrew some small amount for gas and other things. He and Klaus had a long drive ahead of them. He liked it better that way, cash doesn't leave a trail. All five of them stood by Olaf's car, talking about what came next. 

"Me and the girls can take a cab, don't worry." Justice said, "You can Klaus be careful on your trip."

Klaus was handing over some paperwork to Violet for safe keeping, something about stock exchange and investments. 

"Lighten up, honey." Violet said, sarcastically

"Stop it." Olaf mumbled, "Justice, make sure she doesn't get his and her sinks put in the bathroom, or some other horrid thing like that. "

"The insurance claim from our mansion alone will cover all the renovations I want."

"That's not what I'm worried about." Olaf sighed, as he got into the car with Klaus. Olaf waited until they were out of the city then he spoke.

"I should tell you more about where we are going." he started, "We're going to a school that the V.F.D. uses for recruitment. I went to that school and it's where they found me.

There is 4 children we need to get out. Three of them shouldn't even be there. Did your parents ever introduce you to the Quagmire's?"

"No."

"We'll they have 3 children, around yours and Violet's age. Triplets if I recall. There is also another girl, it is very important we keep her safe from the other side, she could be a danger to us if they use her for their purpose."

"What is she, a genius?" Klaus asked, "Is she smarter than me?"

"She is very clever, charismatic and as a talent for persuasion."

"Is she a sociopath?"

"Possibly." Olaf shrugged, "But the ones in charge of the other side are evil, and they will take advantage of her and make her evil too." Just like Essme, he thought to himself.

"What about the others?" Klaus asked, bringing Olaf from his thoughts.

"Just your generic set of wise ass kids, like you and your sisters, and they also have parents in the organization. We call that Legacy, and they didn't need to go to that school.

That only means there is no other safe places left, save my house, that is if Violet doesn't tear it down with her renovations, and Headquarters."

"So what's the plan on getting them out?"

Olaf grinned, eyes sparkling. 


End file.
